kristiana.org

What would I say to you now,
When you have no more need of words,
When you know all the answers to every
question
And have seen the secret heart of your God?

Would I tell you that I am sorry
For all the times I criticized,
For all the words I let fall from lips and pen
That should have stayed unsaid?
Would I tell you it didn't matter so much
That you sometimes "forgot" your chores?
That I focused too much on the negative and
missed
Too many chances
To tell you how wonderful you were?
Now you really know, straight from the Source.
But I should have made you believe before you
left.

What could I say that would make a
difference?
I could say "I love you," a million times
And I would still want to tell you one more
time.
But you knew I loved you. I know you loved me
too.

You are everywhere I turn in this house,
Your smile beaming from the walls,
Casual mementos of your years scattered
though every room,
The faint scent of your perfume and warm skin
Lingering on your favorite jacket.
And yet YOU are not here.
There is an eternity of emptiness in the silence
that you used to fill
With your full-body laugh.
We teased you about it once, and made you
mad.
I wish we hadn't.

No one sits in your space at the table
Where you spent so many hours struggling
through your books.
I wish I had closed them and run away with
you
To watch the new colts kick up their heels.
So much we thought really mattered, didn't.
So much we put off for another day, mattered
more than we knew.

What would I share with you, if you were here
for one more hour?
Would I tell you of the walking wounded you
left behind?
Would I show you hearts that bleed each day
As we struggle to bind one another's wounds?

Would I ask you to count the tears
As we work feverishly to build a new picture,
Now that so many pieces of the puzzle have
been lost?
Would I ask if you were afraid that day? Do I
want to know?

Would I name all the dreams for you we had
And complain how hard it was to tell each one
good-bye?
Would I give you all the letters and cards left
beneath the scarred tree,
Sacred offerings placed half-guiltily, but with
genuine tears,
Before Life called again to young hearts to
dance?

We crossed and re-crossed the scene of
carnage,
Looking for answers that weren't there,
Finding only your right shoe, flung far into the
field.
I slept clutching it for a week. Did you know?

People said we were so strong.
They marveled that we could speak for you
Before those hundreds who came to say
How very sorry they were, and how unfair it all
was.

Strong. Yes, your dad and I are always strong.
Everyone expects that from us, you know.
We took care of everything and everyone
And then we cried alone, clinging together,
Clutching desperately for sanity.

You would have been so proud of Sarah.
She comforted your friends
And told them that the parting was just for a
little while.
She still moves strong and fast through her
days,
But her course is less certain and falters
sometimes now,
Without you there to balance her stride.
She tries to tell me her secrets. But I am no
substitute for you.

So much went on behind your lovely eyes.
You knew how to be still. You saw deep and
true.
Those long, gentle fingers always found their
way to the pain
With the healing touch of unselfish love.
You knew the meaning of "agape," though you
did not know the word.

The only one you could not love warts and all
Was you.

But then you found the your Hero and learned
to value what He loved enough to die for.

The Light took up residence in your heart
And you blossomed in Beauty.
Everyone saw the Angel in the making.
We just didn't know it was such a rush job.

I raced to the hospital,
Certain you would be scared and wanting
someone there.
It never occurred to me you might not be there at
all.
No one would say the words,
"Your daughter is dead."
I could not get my mind around that thought
And make it reality.

For days I could not realize the enormity of it all.
I watched your father open his eyes in the
morning
And I saw the exact second he remembered
That you were gone.
His face crumbled in upon itself
And the light died from his eyes.
Then he got up
And did what had to be done.

I stumbled through my tasks and said the right
things
From behind my protective glass wall.
My eyes were dry. I shared memories that made
everyone laugh.
But they are all gone now, and I mourn.

People do not understand. Not even ones who
should.
They think it is easier for me. I am just the
stepmother.
You moved eleven years late into my heart,
though you moved in full-time.
How could my heart break as hard as theirs?
But you know how. We laughed about it many
times.
"You had twins born 12 years apart! Call
Guinness!" you said.
You hated to say the word "Stepmother."
Well, what instead?
"Mother fortunately acquired through life
circumstances?"
Too long for a nametag.
"Mom Squared then." And so I became.

"Do what your heart tells you is right," I said.
"Your dad and I will always back you up."
You smiled with secret smugness and replied,
"And the cool thing is, I always know that."

Those judges were not there when I held you all
night
And let you cry yourself to sleep in my arms.
They did not hear our talks at night, when things
got quiet.
They were not there for Girls' Time Out.
They did not face the protective claws that so
startled you
The first time you saw them unsheathed in your
defense.
They cannot know my heart as you did.

I wear your death-battered ring on my little
finger,
But I did not go to hold your cold, swollen hand,
The only thing they could show.
I chose to remember you as you were at 4:15
On Tuesday, October 8, 2002,
When you picked out a new color for your
bathroom,
Kissed us goodbye,
And walked out of our lives forever.

Twenty-five minutes later,
While I was pondering what to get at KFC
Before I went to buy the paint,
Some woman we didn't know
Was running toward the crash.
She said she saw a light shoot up into the sky
And smelled the overwhelming scent of roses.
Our Krista was going home.
But not to our house.

What would I call you back from Heaven to hear,
Flawed humans as we are,
Wanting you back in an imperfect world
To face again the sharp pain and pale joy?
We mourn for ourselves,
Not for you.

What is it I really mean
When I cry to Heaven
That sixteen years was not enough?
I never knew anyone more ready to go than you.

"Who can find a virtuous woman?
Her price is far above rubies."
We could have told them where she was.

Pearl of Great Price,
Treasure far above gold.
Selfish to wish you back
To be trampled by the metaphorical swine.

And so I will not wish for one more chance,
One more day,
One more hour.
You either see my heart more clearly now,
Or you forgot it like a shed chrysalis
When you unfurled your wings.
Either way, you know Perfect Love
And you are happy.
That is all I ever wished for you.

You were my daughter. You still are. There is
nothing more to say.